i thought i should write something before the end of the year. a theme for me it seems is that i am torn between two worlds. it is hard to balance my inner spiritual life, and outer everyday life in a way that doesn’t create conflict. sometimes being with friends and going off to parties is entirely the opposite of what i wish to be doing. and so internally i do not know what to do. i do not wish to lose my youth to strict ideologies that i seem to draw myself to. yet i also do not wish to hamper the progress i am making with the reckless things we do to have fun in our young age. i realize these problems are hardly problems at all, but for some reason i struggle with them. for some reason, i am searching with all of my being for whatever truth there is in the world. and so i wish to take the path that guides me to it swiftly. i am very happy for all the growth i have had this year. i am excited to see where i end up next. i wish everyone a happy new year.

i think i am starting to better understand how tortured people become by clinging to their identities. i see it in myself, but it is always so much more apparent in others. and still i get upset when these people react from that tortured part of themselves. i have to realize that just as i do not mean to come from that place in myself, neither does anyone else. i need to accept all these faults which make us human. then maybe i can let them go.

It is my 21st birthday. I bought some wine. I’d like to go to a casino soon. Need to get started on my gambling addiction.

Antahkarana